Cullenism
Cullenism is the One True Religion lamest religion around, and is for delusional tween fangirls ONLY. It is based around the book series Twilight (series)Twilight by the shittiest author ever to live, Stephenie Meyer. Stephenie Meyer is our obese overlord which we must worship and make human sacrifices for to satisfy her monstrous cannibalistic hunger. To do this we usually kill those disgusting Anti-twilighters (the ones who actually know what a good book is), no one needs their vile words mocking our relligion (damn freedom of speach and critisism!) . Edward, our piece of shit abuser and complete jackass saviour is a sparkling mutant pixie creature who abuses his holy wife: godess Bella, a whiny mary sue who constantly bitches becuase the author is a whiny moron who models Bella after herself. Stephanie Meyer once had a dream...it was a wet dream, and from it spawned Twilight. And from Twilight evolved a crappy cult made by bored as hell virgins, looking for their very own, Eddykins. This religion is often practiced by fans who enjoy obsessing and believe that Twilight is real. It is heavily akin to how Scientology was created and likely is ruled by Stephenie Meyer, but through a mule so that her followers still consider her word truth (Too bad scientology is full of batshit insane beliefs, as is Cullenism). In the future, Cullenism will introduce a Church that involves bringing in the heads of those who speak against their highest priestess, Stephenie Meyer. This Church will also work to convince the Vampire Pixie Leaders, or Volturri, that they are always willing to sacrifice their newborn children and bodies to them...becuase they are moronic cosplayers who want to suck the sparkling dick of those vampire faggots. The Gods and Goddesses In the Cullenism cult religion the main characters in the fictional book, Twilight, are praised for being better than all of us and are known as Gods. Edward is the God of faggotry, stupidity, abusiveness and fail. Bella is the Goddess of being a whiny bitch, absolute uselessness, fail!-sauce and being a Mary Sue. Carlisle is the God of boring lives, health and prosperity. Esme is the God of women homemakers, care and compassion. Jasper is the God of actual vampire stuff, war, strategy and educational pursuit. Alice is the God of unnatural quirkyness, fashion, fun and love. Emmett is the God of innuendo, strength, friendliness and happiness. Rosalie is the God of sanity until Breaking Dawn beauty and grace. In Cullenism, for worshiping these gods and goddesses, they will go to eternal bliss, alongside the Scientologists. The fact that no Twifags are going to Jame's Cave caused a massive celebration in Washington that had such an intensity of awesome that all Sparklepires were vaporized within a distance of 42 million miles. Jame's Cave In Cullenism, they believe that if you are a terrible person and devour the blood of stupid innocent humans instead of drinking the blood of dirty animals, you will be sent to Jame's Cave. According to the creators, it is a place of evil and is akin to the Christian Hell. However, from what is shown in the book Twilight, their Bible, it is clear that it would be a place of non-faggotry and hiking. In the book Twilight, James is merely wanting to play baseball and snack on a tasty human. For that, the fags rip him to shreds. Therefore, there would be no sparkling vampires and no idiots. Becuase they killed James, those stupid ass faggots ruined an American pastime, and are very very very unpatriotic. Therefor, they are the fucking anti christ. How long did it take fangirls to come up with Jame's Cove? 3 seconds, their primitive minds combined a cool word with a shitty character. The end. Due to this, most antis are clammoring for more human flesh as of late. Basic Worship Practices When worshiping the gods of the religion, members usually: *Buy as many copies of all the books and merchandise as possible *Throw money at the high priestess, Stephenie Meyer *Go to every book signing *Chase after R.Pattz on the street, screaming for him to kiss them *Go on Youtube and downrate as many anti-Twilight videos as possible *Join the Westboro Baptist Church on the side Category:Cullenism